Sometimes I wonder if I just naturally overreact to things without realizing, or if I’m selfish, or what have you, but you know what really just hurts? Making an effort all the time for the people that you love because you want to make everyone happy, yourself included, and just have it all fired back in your face. A year ago I had a slightly different group of friends, I didn’t love them as much as the group of friends I have now, but it just seemed like the love I did have for them was actually reciprocated. But the friends I’ve had for years, people I call my best friends, sometimes I think that deep down they actually hate me. That I’m one of those people they just feel they have to be friends with. Well you know what, I don’t want that. I would rather have no one but myself in my life, than be surrounded by people who only pretend to like me. Maybe this is me being dramatic again, speculating about things that aren’t actually true, but something must’ve made me feel this way.
You know when people talk about reaching your breaking point? That point where you bend over backward so far that you just snap in half? Yeah - I think I just hit that point. I’m beginning to feel like at the end of the day I can’t hold down one of those friendships that they talk about in movies and books and motivational pictures on tumblr. Just when I think I have that friend/group of friends that would bend as far for me as I do for them on a daily basis, I seem to be proven wrong. No matter how hard I try I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to say wholeheartedly that I really do have a best friend. I can’t tell if that’s a painful thought or if I’ve already accepted that that’s just the reality of life. So here I am with no job, no money, no strong relationships with other people and while everyone I’m close with packs up their bags for university this fall, I’ll be here. That pretty much explains my life though - every time I think I have a good thing going I just get left behind. I’ve always been left behind.